Confidently In The Direction

Eight months. That's how long the counseling process took me. It's also, ironically, the last time I published writing to this page. Eight whole months. My healing took almost the same amount of time it takes a new life to grow in a momma's womb. Part of me can't believe it. If I had known when I went into counseling that it would take that long for total healing, I don't know I would have continued. I was scared going in, that's for sure. What do I expect? What do I tell this stranger? How long do I continue to "willingly" dig into who I am and what built me and figure out what hurt me and why? These are some of the questions I thought. But at the same time, the other part of me can't believe it's only been eight months. Eight months of freedom, eight months of redemption, eight months of growth. Only eight months. I wanted to write on this blog several times because I seriously do love writing. I love how words are individual yet they...

Today’s a “Kayla Soul day”.  Which means it’s a sleep in late, read your Bible in bed, go for a long walk to have some sweet talks with Jesus, skip the makeup and wear your favorite hat, dream about the very business that you own, ask God to teach you more about yourself and rest in knowing his promises are real, all before noon kinda day. Sounds sweet, right? I highly recommend them.  Anyway, on my walk with Jesus a few things happened and I really feel it placed on my heart to share. There's a couple things you, as my reader, should know before I share these things. First of all, I am currently in counseling. I've known I was going to blog about this in the near future but I wasn't sure when or how, but I think it's important to share today. I've only been going for two weeks now but it turns out to be the best thing I've ever done. Hands down. Side note: this is slightly ironic because when my dad first suggested the idea I freaked out...

December 30, 2016: "I pray next year proves to be incredibly more peaceful. I pray this for both my sanity's sake but also I pray it is peaceful remembering that no matter what, God will carry me. Even though the deepest of waters."  That is the final line in my journal entry from one year ago.  First of all, it's Crazy, with a capital C, that in two short days it will be 2018. I almost feel like I'm living in a dream because how in the world did the year go by so fast? As I look back, this year was such sweet one; filled with so much growing. I'm thankful for a new year but also a bit nervous.  Here's the thing, when I sat down on year ago to type a blog similar to this  I kinda knew what to expect of 2017. First of all, I knew that I was SO glad that 2016 was over. I mean extremely glad. 2016 was my hardest year to this date...and that's with a move across the country happening this year.   With that in mind, I knew 2017 could only g...

I'm so thankful. I've been sitting at my computer for the past month trying to adequately explain that in a nice blog post. I've tried to incorporate life metaphors, great opening lines, imagery from the creek right outside our window, so many stinking ways to just say I'm so thankful. I know, this time of year Thankfulness is always so emphasized. I hear ya with the argument that we should be thankful all year round. I also hear you with the argument that we shouldn't spend a day being thankful and then spend the next 4 spending all our money on super sales both in stores and online. I hear you with all the arguments but here I am just saying I'm so thankful. I'm so thankful because 365 days ago, I was a very different person. Of course, I was still Kayla Justine Hallman. I still had a lot of the same dreams, the same pet peeves, the same habits & nervous ticks but deep down inside I was a very broken, worn out girl. I was tired of life kicking me...

Simplee Dance. That was the title of my first blog. Hold up? First blog?? Yes, friends, I had a blog before "Confidently in the Direction". Simplee Dance "launched" when I was a freshman in high school and it had one goal: to change the lives of young girls. I mean it was going to be big. It was going to be so big that I didn't even share it with anyone (besides my loving parents and the friend who told me it was an epic idea) because I was convinced girls would stumble upon my rinky-dink blog and tell the world. I wrote about topics like boys, (sidenote: total mistake because up until sophomore year ya girl had never had a boyfriend and boys still made me nervous half way through eighth grade), speaking life, how this generation is different, and all these other big topics. Looking back, I admire pre-adulting Kayla's confidence but shake my head at what I thought I knew about changing the world when I barely even knew myself. And no, you can't go try to...

Have you ever seen "The Incredibles"? If you have, you probably remember Edna Mode. If not, let me paint a picture of her for you. She's this spunky, straight forward, confident, creative, funny, little super hero outfit designer. Most of the "supers", as their fondly named in the movie, go to her when they need a new, or fixed up, super outfit because she's the best of the best. I would like to think that Edna Mode is my spirit animal. She says some of my favorite lines in the movie by my absolute favorite is this: "I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now." My brothers and I were watching "The Incredibles" earlier this week and the weight of that line didn't really hit me until today. It's so easy to look back on the "glory days" of our lives sometimes that we forget what greatness we're in now. I could also argue that's the theme of the whole movie but, believe it or not, this blog post is not...

Hello from California! That's right, we made it. On July 9th (at 6:00 am, might I add), we pulled into the driveway of our new house. We were exhausted from a TERRIBLE day of travel the day before (car broke down 3 times, stranded on the side of the highway twice, spent 3 hours in an auto shop, ended up leaving a car in Vegas, and driving through the night) but also from all the adventuring we had been doing for the two weeks prior. Honestly, even with our awful last day of travel, I think those two weeks may go into my most favorite memories jar. There's nothing better than two with weeks with your family, exploring all the beautiful places this country has to offer.  Anyway, I'm not going to spend a whole blog post just writing about the trip, even though I totally could, because truth is, after my last post I've been kind of silent on my blog. I'm noticing there's a (not so great) pattern with that. It seems after some of my harder posts to share, it take...

Sigh. That's how this blog post literally started for me. I turned off my music, sighed and started typing. I know that seems silly because hello I'm the author of this blog, I can write whatever I want, so why write something I have to "sigh" about? Well, part of me really wants to write this blog post. I've known since the beginning of April that this post was coming, I just didn't necessarily know when I would be able to write it. I didn't know because honestly, this one is a scary one for me. It's scary because, well, I'm going to be reallyyy vulnerable, reallyyy honest, and reallyyy trusting.  You see, I have flaws (shocker, right? ;) ). But seriously, I have many flaws. One of them is something I've been working on since high school, maybe even middle school. I care a lot, I mean a lot  about what others think of me. Part of me thinks it's good sometimes, I value community, being held accountable and people speaking into my life  ...

I remember "I don't know" was never an acceptable answer in school. It implied you weren't trying, didn't try hard enough or you gave up too soon. I remember thinking "I don't know" was just a huge embarrassment...how could you not know?  A big part of me understands that thought was from pressure I put on myself but there's also a little bit of me that wishes that wasn't something I was set up to believe to be true.  It may seem like that thought is coming out of nowhere (like hello? my last post was December 2016 for crying out loud!!) but lately I've been stuck in this feeling of I don't know . I've said it before , I'm a huge fan of words. The weight words carry, the vulnerability in discussion a can hold and how certain words can be life-changing. I'm also someone who has seldom felt a loss for words. I mean of course there are a few specific occasions that do come to mind; I am an emotional person. Even so, if I...

Ahh.  That's all that comes out of my mouth right now. "Ahh" as I sip my hot chocolate, "ahh" as I sit downstairs with my brother as he sings along to his music but most importantly, I say "ahh" because today is the end of 2016. I know a lot of people are claiming this has been the worst year yet. For some people it's because of an election that was country dividing, frustrating, scary, or whatever else it may have been for you (and that's where we will leave that, please and thank you). For others maybe it's the multitude of celebrity deaths or maybe it's just that personally, 2016 was hard for you. That's where I am. I can easily say, 2016 has been the most mentally exhausting, emotionally draining, single hardest year of my life. I'm not one to look at the negatives or dwell on the hard times without looking for the lessons but I leave this year knowing that both of those qualities were pushed to their very max...

Anddddd two months later, one pinky surgery and a whole lotta life, here I am! Back to the blog, which by the way, I have so thoroughly missed. While yes, I do journal, write daily highs and lows and keep a list of what I'm grateful for, there's something to be said about writing out honest thoughts that people will actually read. Maybe it's the performer in me, or the lover of words or maybe it's just the honest heart I strive to have but I love writing and watching people respond. I love how sometimes just a short little post can relate to so many. It just reminds me how necessary community is and how grateful I am for mine, making for a very therapeutic and humbling use of my time. I will be honest though, I probably could have written this post a long time ago. I mean I had my pinky surgery two months and a day ago (October 5th) and yes, I was in a (very annoying) splint for six weeks after that but now it's been two months and I'm a bit nervous. Usually I h...

We all know those quotes. The ones that talk about how life is all fine if you just look at the bigger picture. Quotes like: "find joy in your journey" or "after a storm, there's always a rainbow". You've heard them, seen them, maybe even said them (guilty: 13 year old facebook status' can really kill ya looking back) but can I just be real honest about all of those quotes? Those quotes, they make me want to gag.  You see, I can read those quotes over and over again, hoping to get something out of them that will want me to continue on my "journey" but all is see is just fluff. Nothing in those quotes are going to want to make me continue on my so called "journey", especially when it's hard.  I'm a lover of words. Words that carefully thought out, well delivered and truth speaking. Which in turn, makes me a lover of quotes. After all the title of this blog comes from my favorite quote. That being said, I'm a lover of qu...

Necessary. If I had to describe this summer in one word, that's the word I would choose. This summer was absolutely necessary for me, for my outlook on life and especially for me to make it through another year in Austin. That may sound depressing or scary but if you think about it, it makes sense. Last year was a big one for me. Straight out of high school, I took on a lot. Living on my own, cooking for myself, working two jobs, paying bills, all while trying to focus on my dance career.  I don't write that to complain, look for pity, hint for compliments or any such response. I knew what I chose to get myself into so I write that because for you to understand why this summer was necessary, you need to understand what my year looked like. While I learned, experience and grew so much from this past year I needed a break from literally trying to survive (hence, the ever famous #KaylaSurvivesOnHerOwn). So I came home and I got back to life in Carlisle. I took a vacation with...

17 girls, 5 weeks...sounds daunting.  Daunting because for five weeks, I am going to be in charge on seventeen freshman-aged girls.  That's how I felt 6 weeks ago, when I started by job as an RA for CPYB's summer program. I didn't know what to expect. What would each girl bring to our hall, what I would bring to our hall, am I qualified to handle seventeen girls, do I even remember what being fourteen was like? All these doubts ran through my head. I was nervous yet excited, to say the least. Once I met these girls, I quickly realized how extremely humbling it is to have seventeen little sweets run to you. Run to you when they miss home, when they need bugs killed, when they need a smile, when they have questions about life, when they need something to do or  when they need a friend. Suddenly, I was responsible for making sure these kids have the best five weeks of their life.  Let me tell you something though. As much as I hope our five weeks together...