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Floodgates and Hearts

You know how I would describe my heart? Like a floodgate. A floodgate that, once opened, doesn't stop until everything is out on the table. Like when I feel joy, I feel it until tears fall down my face. When I feel pain, I feel it until all I know is pain. When I feel anxious, all I feel are anxious thoughts instantly flooding to my mind and when I love, I love to my fullest. Maybe that makes me sound like one big emotional goon, but regardless its true. Once I consciously open my heart, suddenly my hidden walls are bashed down and out flow my deepest thoughts, insecurities and realities that I normally just push to the side. Now you, my dear reader, could probably care less to know that but in order for you to process where my thoughts have been, that part of who I am is important to remember. 
I've realized that as much as this blog is for keeping my friends and family up to date, it's also very much for myself. In some ways, this blog is becoming like a public journal (which may or may not be crazy ;) ). Some of my deepest thoughts are best processed if I write them out on here and realizing that, I've decided to make this blog post a bit more personal, so bare with me if you chose to continue... ;) 
Last Thursday I took walk around one of my most favorite parts of Austin, the town lake. While I was walking, enjoying a beautiful 68 degree "winter" day, I was talking to God. As I was talking to Him, a floodgate in my heart just broke open. A floodgate of anxiety. Suddenly I found myself doubting my abilities, my confidence, my past, my future and even my present. It was just this big snowball of "what ifs". I didn't even realize I had all these thoughts built up but once I let one out, everything just seemed to come crashing around me. It was one of those moments where I felt so small that I had to stop and sit down to come back to reality. It was then that I heard this "I will provide. In Me you find your joy". Slowly I came back to reality. I mean here I am in Austin, Texas, taking active steps to live my dream and I'm worried about my past? Hasn't that all lead up to this? (Which, by the way, "this" is way better than I could have imagined.)   I've been here for five months and the Lord has done nothing but provided and here I am worrying about details in my life that don't even matter! I slowly came to the realization that the more I let anxiety rush over me, the more I lose sight of what's truly important: God's perfect love. 
My roommate sent me this beautiful article about self- worth today and I was reminded, which I greatly needed, that God knows me. He knows my abilities and He knows my insecurities, even if I try to hide them. Even more than that, He knows my past, He knows my present, and He most definitely knows my future. I don't know there is any other way to calm anxiety than just resting in that reality. 
It's been a week since I let my anxious heart have it's break out moment and I'm still processing through it all but I've figured out a few things. I figured out that first of all, no matter where I am next year, in three years or even ten years from now, even if it's not what I hoped, it will be just what I need. That's such a hard concept for me to grasp because I like plan for what's next and control what happens to me but I'm learning, I have no idea what I'm doing! Like seriously, who am I to dictate the life that was given, so generously given to me? Second of all, there is no moment in life in which we are not provided. It may feel like I am on my last dollar (which before payday, can sometimes be the case hahaha) or even on my last string of strength for the week but still my God endlessly provides. Endlessly. I don't know if I would fully be grasping that if I didn't let my anxious floodgate burst open for a bit. Finally, I realized I am always loved. On the outside I know this, I mean I am surrounded by the great love of friends and family but on the inside I forget. I forget that even if I wasn't loved by the people I am surrounded by, I would still be loved by the One that matters. The One that knit me together and that will NEVER change. 
As I processed all this, I was reminded of this verse: "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."  Deuteronomy 31:8 (ESV). And that, my friends, are sweet words I can rest in forever...whatever floodgate is open. My God goes before me, even when I think I'm all alone, He will not forsake me, ever, and that breaks open a whole floodgate of joy. 
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