8 Months Later...

Eight months.

That's how long the counseling process took me. It's also, ironically, the last time I published writing to this page.

Eight whole months. My healing took almost the same amount of time it takes a new life to grow in a momma's womb.

Part of me can't believe it. If I had known when I went into counseling that it would take that long for total healing, I don't know I would have continued. I was scared going in, that's for sure. What do I expect? What do I tell this stranger? How long do I continue to "willingly" dig into who I am and what built me and figure out what hurt me and why? These are some of the questions I thought. But at the same time, the other part of me can't believe it's only been eight months. Eight months of freedom, eight months of redemption, eight months of growth. Only eight months.

I wanted to write on this blog several times because I seriously do love writing. I love how words are individual yet they can create these powerful sentences and when the sentences are organized, they create a story. I also do like sharing my stories and I've learned or what I am processing through with the world. I like being authentic... in fact, I love it. I think the world needs more of it. Yet every time I went to write here, I would get stuck. I would get stuck because my brain was so busy processing me. Processing my hurt, my story, my feelings and ultimately, my healing.

I remember the biggest urge to write was write after I spoke in front of a 100+ people in May. I shared my story at a women's event called "Brunch Bunch" and I was so empowered by that. I read once that "vulnerability breeds vulnerability" and I don't think that could be more true. I wanted to re-iterate my story and what I shared but when I sat down to do so, I didn't know how. Plus, the video would be good enough, or that's what I told myself (sidetone: If you want to watch my story you can click here: https://youtu.be/NVgxCzltwsY. I am still in awe of what God did that day). I also wanted to write a few other random times throughout the year but I didn't and now, I'm here. I'm here wanting to write because God has been so faithful this past year and I want to share about it but I'm also here fearful because, if you haven't picked up on it yet, it's been eight months.

I wish I could tell you about every counseling visit. Honestly, I really do because while it was hard it was even more so rewarding and redemptive. I made realizations about myself, about lies the world has put on me, about lies I've believed about myself and I was able to conquer them. Does that mean I will never struggle again? No. Does it mean I will forever be confident? No. Does it mean I know how to recognize & fight lies of not being enough when they show up again? Yes. A resounding yes by the grace of God alone.

Growing up and still now, my parents always remind me that they love me but also the like me. They love me because, well duh, I'm their child. I will never know a life where I was not so infinitely loved by both of my parents and I know I am so lucky for that. I think I am even luckier to know that I am liked by both my parents though. They like spending time with me, they like who I am becoming, they like me. I sat in my counselor's office last Tuesday as we were wrapping up what would be my last session when I said "I actually like myself" and that's when it clicked. I'm not sure I've ever liked myself before. Yes, I have loved myself enough to respect my body and make the best decisions I could for myself but to like myself? To like who I am becoming, the choices I've made and how I represented myself, I don't know that I have ever known what that felt like until now. I owe that to counseling. I owe that to processing through my thoughts, heartache and the lies I've chosen to come into agreement with and replacing them with truth. It's freeing to like all that you are, not just love it.

I think that may the biggest takeaway from my counseling experience- that's it's okay, good even, to like yourself. I think I'm finally brave enough to write because I believe that message is too important to keep inside me. There's an evident difference between liking myself and loving myself. I'm realizing it's necessary to be able to do both. What would it look like to encourage the next generation to like themselves? What would it look like for the current generations to like themselves? Not because we are perfect but because, through Christ, we have been redeemed and we have the freedom TO like ourselves, even with our faults. I think the world would be full of more confident people, for sure. I'd also like to think that maybe we would be a little bit kinder to each other because when we like ourselves, it's easier for us to relate to others, to cheer on others, to pour into others.

I don't think "liking ourselves" is something that could be done overnight. In fact, I think it's a gradual, intentional process of walking through what hurt you, where you fell short, where you came into agreement with lies that tell scream "you're not enough" and replacing them with the glaring truth that screams you are loved, you are valuable, you are worthy, you are redeemable and you are wanted, just as you are. Why? Because Jesus Christ found you so much of those things that he died on the cross. Because he says "My child, you are". There's mighty freedom in that. There's mighty redemption in that.

At the beginning of 2018, I shared my word for this year is "Unashamed" and I didn't really know what to expect of that year. Unashamed to me now, with two months left in the year, means I'm unashamed of who God created me to be and who he is calling me to be. I'm learning that I can be unashamed of every part of me because I am learning to like & love who I am. Who would have known such healing & power would have come with such a simple word? I surely didn't but I'm thankful for it. There's still two whole months left in 2018 and I am beyond excited to keep discovering what it looks like to live unashamed and liking myself while doing it.