Confidently In The Direction

Eight months. That's how long the counseling process took me. It's also, ironically, the last time I published writing to this page. Eight whole months. My healing took almost the same amount of time it takes a new life to grow in a momma's womb. Part of me can't believe it. If I had known when I went into counseling that it would take that long for total healing, I don't know I would have continued. I was scared going in, that's for sure. What do I expect? What do I tell this stranger? How long do I continue to "willingly" dig into who I am and what built me and figure out what hurt me and why? These are some of the questions I thought. But at the same time, the other part of me can't believe it's only been eight months. Eight months of freedom, eight months of redemption, eight months of growth. Only eight months. I wanted to write on this blog several times because I seriously do love writing. I love how words are individual yet they...

Today’s a “Kayla Soul day”.  Which means it’s a sleep in late, read your Bible in bed, go for a long walk to have some sweet talks with Jesus, skip the makeup and wear your favorite hat, dream about the very business that you own, ask God to teach you more about yourself and rest in knowing his promises are real, all before noon kinda day. Sounds sweet, right? I highly recommend them.  Anyway, on my walk with Jesus a few things happened and I really feel it placed on my heart to share. There's a couple things you, as my reader, should know before I share these things. First of all, I am currently in counseling. I've known I was going to blog about this in the near future but I wasn't sure when or how, but I think it's important to share today. I've only been going for two weeks now but it turns out to be the best thing I've ever done. Hands down. Side note: this is slightly ironic because when my dad first suggested the idea I freaked out...

Hello from California! That's right, we made it. On July 9th (at 6:00 am, might I add), we pulled into the driveway of our new house. We were exhausted from a TERRIBLE day of travel the day before (car broke down 3 times, stranded on the side of the highway twice, spent 3 hours in an auto shop, ended up leaving a car in Vegas, and driving through the night) but also from all the adventuring we had been doing for the two weeks prior. Honestly, even with our awful last day of travel, I think those two weeks may go into my most favorite memories jar. There's nothing better than two with weeks with your family, exploring all the beautiful places this country has to offer.  Anyway, I'm not going to spend a whole blog post just writing about the trip, even though I totally could, because truth is, after my last post I've been kind of silent on my blog. I'm noticing there's a (not so great) pattern with that. It seems after some of my harder posts to share, it take...

Sigh. That's how this blog post literally started for me. I turned off my music, sighed and started typing. I know that seems silly because hello I'm the author of this blog, I can write whatever I want, so why write something I have to "sigh" about? Well, part of me really wants to write this blog post. I've known since the beginning of April that this post was coming, I just didn't necessarily know when I would be able to write it. I didn't know because honestly, this one is a scary one for me. It's scary because, well, I'm going to be reallyyy vulnerable, reallyyy honest, and reallyyy trusting.  You see, I have flaws (shocker, right? ;) ). But seriously, I have many flaws. One of them is something I've been working on since high school, maybe even middle school. I care a lot, I mean a lot  about what others think of me. Part of me thinks it's good sometimes, I value community, being held accountable and people speaking into my life  ...

Anddddd two months later, one pinky surgery and a whole lotta life, here I am! Back to the blog, which by the way, I have so thoroughly missed. While yes, I do journal, write daily highs and lows and keep a list of what I'm grateful for, there's something to be said about writing out honest thoughts that people will actually read. Maybe it's the performer in me, or the lover of words or maybe it's just the honest heart I strive to have but I love writing and watching people respond. I love how sometimes just a short little post can relate to so many. It just reminds me how necessary community is and how grateful I am for mine, making for a very therapeutic and humbling use of my time. I will be honest though, I probably could have written this post a long time ago. I mean I had my pinky surgery two months and a day ago (October 5th) and yes, I was in a (very annoying) splint for six weeks after that but now it's been two months and I'm a bit nervous. Usually I h...

Necessary. If I had to describe this summer in one word, that's the word I would choose. This summer was absolutely necessary for me, for my outlook on life and especially for me to make it through another year in Austin. That may sound depressing or scary but if you think about it, it makes sense. Last year was a big one for me. Straight out of high school, I took on a lot. Living on my own, cooking for myself, working two jobs, paying bills, all while trying to focus on my dance career.  I don't write that to complain, look for pity, hint for compliments or any such response. I knew what I chose to get myself into so I write that because for you to understand why this summer was necessary, you need to understand what my year looked like. While I learned, experience and grew so much from this past year I needed a break from literally trying to survive (hence, the ever famous #KaylaSurvivesOnHerOwn). So I came home and I got back to life in Carlisle. I took a vacation with...

"You are not enough. Honestly, how could you be? You're not enough to get an offer from any other company, you're not enough to be promoted, even after 13 years of nothing but hard work and a year of living on your own, and you are no where near deserving enough of the kind of love you desire. How could you ever think that you are enough?" That's been my thought process friends. For the last two months, that's where I've been. I know opening my first blog post after two months like that is harsh but I don't know how else to explain where my heart and mind has been. I promised to be honest and that, my dear reader, is an honest look at my heart lately. Maybe I should have started by saying, it's been a hard month. Lots of different things have happened, all adding weight to my shoulders, but I don't think you could fully understand the heaviness of where I've been if I had started otherwise. Truth is, I've been gone. Gone from bre...

I love clouds. I love how fascinating they are, how they can be a great paradox. Like clouds are so weightless but yet they can be so heavy, they're so far away but yet they can surround us, they add such beauty but yet can be so ugly. I love them yet I hate them just as much.  Now, I may have just confused you out of your mind so its probably important to note that I am comparing two separate clouds: physical clouds and a metaphorical cloud. See I love physical clouds. I love how unique every one is, how they can add such personality to the sky. I love how weightless they are yet how much weight they add when it comes to beauty. So why do I hate clouds? Let me tell you. I've been stuck in a cloud for probably three weeks now. It's not one of those "I'm on cloud nine" clouds, it's one of those "I hate what I see", "what if", tiring, doubt-filled, ever present, grey clouds. It's this constant weight that just surrounds me. I'm ...