You Are Enough

"You are not enough. Honestly, how could you be? You're not enough to get an offer from any other company, you're not enough to be promoted, even after 13 years of nothing but hard work and a year of living on your own, and you are no where near deserving enough of the kind of love you desire. How could you ever think that you are enough?"


That's been my thought process friends. For the last two months, that's where I've been. I know opening my first blog post after two months like that is harsh but I don't know how else to explain where my heart and mind has been. I promised to be honest and that, my dear reader, is an honest look at my heart lately. Maybe I should have started by saying, it's been a hard month. Lots of different things have happened, all adding weight to my shoulders, but I don't think you could fully understand the heaviness of where I've been if I had started otherwise.

Truth is, I've been gone. Gone from breathing life into my soul which in turn suffocated me. Fear, failure, insecurity suffocated me until it was the only thing I could breathe if I wanted to breathe. I don't mean to sound like I'm extremely depressed or anything because I don't necessarily think I am, I just got the wind knocked out of me...pretty badly.

You may be confused as to why I felt this way, which is understandable. It's important that you know that I did ten auditions this year and was rejected from all of them. A few looked to be promising but were quickly shut down. That was the starting of not being enough. After my auditions ended, I went into my meeting with Ballet Austin to discuss my future with this company. While I am extremely grateful to say that I will be returning to Ballet Austin as a trainee again next year, I did go into my meeting with a hope of being promoted from trainee to apprentice. When my idea of what I wanted wasn't what happened, that is is when I lost all thoughts of me being enough. I walked out of that room and immediately I started drowning in a sea of doubt, failure and ripping myself apart. Clearly I hadn't worked hard enough, clearly I'm not someone they trust enough, clearly I am not enough.  

I don't know if you know what that feels like, maybe you do, maybe you don't but it's not something I would ever wish on someone, not even my greatest enemies. To have something you live for, something you love, quickly turn into the thing that brings you the greatest anxiety, the greatest self-loathing, the greatest weight is so incredibly exhausting because you feel like you can't escape, or at least I did. Anything I saw, heard, or thought about myself, I twisted to make me feel like I wasn't enough. 

After taking a long time to process this, which I am still doing, I was reminded of something. What is enough? I mean seriously, I keep telling myself I am not enough but what does it even mean? Well, I looked it up and Merriam- Webster defines it as this: 

Enough (adj): equal to what is needed

Merriam- Webster's definition made me realize something. My God is enough. My God will always be enough and because of that I am enough. 

...Hold up...what? 

Let me explain.

Enough means equal to what is needed and before anything, I need God. I mean He holds my dreams, my failures, my past, my future, He holds everything that makes me, everything that I need, tightly in His hands. Through this all he, has revealed to me that to truly be happy, to truly be breathing life into my soul, I need to find my value in Him. I cannot choose to find value in a promotion, not in an acceptance into a company, not in what people say about me because then I truly will never be enough. 

But my God is enough and because of that I am enough.  I am enough because I am me. I am enough because I am a girl in this world who loves others and who has others who love her.  But most importantly, I am enough because I am child so meticulously designed by God to be who I am.

I don't know where you are right now. I don't know if life is at an all time high for you or an all time low, but I do know that no matter what, you are enough. You were created to be living your life to the fullest, to be making mistakes, to get up and learn, to be taking risks, to be playing safe, to be walking through darkness so, when you reach it, you can enjoy the light. 

I'm not saying you always have to feel like you're enough, because I don't think there's anyone in this world who can ever feel that way, I'm just reminding you that you are. Every hair on your head, every blemish on your skin, every ounce of your being is enough. You are enough.