Confidently In The Direction

Sigh. That's how this blog post literally started for me. I turned off my music, sighed and started typing. I know that seems silly because hello I'm the author of this blog, I can write whatever I want, so why write something I have to "sigh" about? Well, part of me really wants to write this blog post. I've known since the beginning of April that this post was coming, I just didn't necessarily know when I would be able to write it. I didn't know because honestly, this one is a scary one for me. It's scary because, well, I'm going to be reallyyy vulnerable, reallyyy honest, and reallyyy trusting.  You see, I have flaws (shocker, right? ;) ). But seriously, I have many flaws. One of them is something I've been working on since high school, maybe even middle school. I care a lot, I mean a lot  about what others think of me. Part of me thinks it's good sometimes, I value community, being held accountable and people speaking into my life  ...

I remember "I don't know" was never an acceptable answer in school. It implied you weren't trying, didn't try hard enough or you gave up too soon. I remember thinking "I don't know" was just a huge embarrassment...how could you not know?  A big part of me understands that thought was from pressure I put on myself but there's also a little bit of me that wishes that wasn't something I was set up to believe to be true.  It may seem like that thought is coming out of nowhere (like hello? my last post was December 2016 for crying out loud!!) but lately I've been stuck in this feeling of I don't know . I've said it before , I'm a huge fan of words. The weight words carry, the vulnerability in discussion a can hold and how certain words can be life-changing. I'm also someone who has seldom felt a loss for words. I mean of course there are a few specific occasions that do come to mind; I am an emotional person. Even so, if I...

Anddddd two months later, one pinky surgery and a whole lotta life, here I am! Back to the blog, which by the way, I have so thoroughly missed. While yes, I do journal, write daily highs and lows and keep a list of what I'm grateful for, there's something to be said about writing out honest thoughts that people will actually read. Maybe it's the performer in me, or the lover of words or maybe it's just the honest heart I strive to have but I love writing and watching people respond. I love how sometimes just a short little post can relate to so many. It just reminds me how necessary community is and how grateful I am for mine, making for a very therapeutic and humbling use of my time. I will be honest though, I probably could have written this post a long time ago. I mean I had my pinky surgery two months and a day ago (October 5th) and yes, I was in a (very annoying) splint for six weeks after that but now it's been two months and I'm a bit nervous. Usually I h...

We all know those quotes. The ones that talk about how life is all fine if you just look at the bigger picture. Quotes like: "find joy in your journey" or "after a storm, there's always a rainbow". You've heard them, seen them, maybe even said them (guilty: 13 year old facebook status' can really kill ya looking back) but can I just be real honest about all of those quotes? Those quotes, they make me want to gag.  You see, I can read those quotes over and over again, hoping to get something out of them that will want me to continue on my "journey" but all is see is just fluff. Nothing in those quotes are going to want to make me continue on my so called "journey", especially when it's hard.  I'm a lover of words. Words that carefully thought out, well delivered and truth speaking. Which in turn, makes me a lover of quotes. After all the title of this blog comes from my favorite quote. That being said, I'm a lover of qu...

17 girls, 5 weeks...sounds daunting.  Daunting because for five weeks, I am going to be in charge on seventeen freshman-aged girls.  That's how I felt 6 weeks ago, when I started by job as an RA for CPYB's summer program. I didn't know what to expect. What would each girl bring to our hall, what I would bring to our hall, am I qualified to handle seventeen girls, do I even remember what being fourteen was like? All these doubts ran through my head. I was nervous yet excited, to say the least. Once I met these girls, I quickly realized how extremely humbling it is to have seventeen little sweets run to you. Run to you when they miss home, when they need bugs killed, when they need a smile, when they have questions about life, when they need something to do or  when they need a friend. Suddenly, I was responsible for making sure these kids have the best five weeks of their life.  Let me tell you something though. As much as I hope our five weeks together...

In case you missed the memo: I'm baaaack!!! That's right, I'm home. I'm not going to lie, it was weird at first. In many ways it felt like I never left but in other ways, I felt like a stranger. That being said, being a stranger quickly faded. I mean this is my home! So much of who I am stemmed from all that I encountered, learned and experienced here. Carlisle is my home. Carlisle will always be my home. Since being back, a lot has happened. For starters, I launched my "Alumni of the Year" campaign for CPYB. This was a huge step of "just going for it" for me. Usually, I like to plan out exactly how everything will work but this has been different. I've had to go into this campaign without any expectation and hope to make a difference. I still have 5 weeks left and a lot of money to raise but I'm proud of myself for simply giving it a shot.  About two weeks after being home my family took a vacation. Usually we vacation in August but beca...

May 15, 2016. I remember sitting back home last August and marking this day as "Last day in Austin" in my phone. I was so worried, how was I going to make in 9 months in Austin...alone? That would be the longest 9 months of my life. Here we are though. May 15th, 2016 and this season is coming to an end. I think part of me is still in denial because while this year was probably the most trying thing I've ever been through, it's probably been the most beautiful. In so many ways, I've grown. I've grown as a dancer, undoubtedly, I've grown as a person, I've grown as a daughter, I've grown as a sister, I've grown as a friend and most importantly, I've grown as a Christian. In all areas of my life I have grown. There were definitely points in this year where I just wanted to go back. Go back to Carlisle, Pennsylvania, back to high school, back to my friends and family and the life I've always known but I'm so glad I didn't or rather...

"You are not enough. Honestly, how could you be? You're not enough to get an offer from any other company, you're not enough to be promoted, even after 13 years of nothing but hard work and a year of living on your own, and you are no where near deserving enough of the kind of love you desire. How could you ever think that you are enough?" That's been my thought process friends. For the last two months, that's where I've been. I know opening my first blog post after two months like that is harsh but I don't know how else to explain where my heart and mind has been. I promised to be honest and that, my dear reader, is an honest look at my heart lately. Maybe I should have started by saying, it's been a hard month. Lots of different things have happened, all adding weight to my shoulders, but I don't think you could fully understand the heaviness of where I've been if I had started otherwise. Truth is, I've been gone. Gone from bre...

Dear Kayla, I'm writing this letter because I hope you always remember today, your last day of being 18. What a glorious day it was, filled with love, friends and a reminder of one of the most beautiful sounds in life: laughter. Although it marked tomorrow being your first birthday away from home, it was a simple reminder of how you have been so graciously blessed moving down to Austin, Texas. This year has brought a lot of growth between the highs and the lows. Highs like: getting your license, graduating high school, getting a trainee position at Ballet Austin, dancing in your first professional Nutcracker and of course, meeting all sorts of new, beautiful people. It also brought lows like: experiencing heartbreak, change in friendships, learning how to do life without your family all around the same table but through it all, life was still beautiful. A beautiful hike filled with God's never ending grace and mercy covering every mountain and every valley. I'm not su...

If you follow me on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook you've seen my recent pictures series, #KaylaCountsTilChristmas2015, and probably concluded that I was getting pretty impatient to get home. If you came to that conclusion, you would be 100% correct. Don't get me wrong, I love being independent. I love grocery shopping, planning my schedule and figuring out myself in a new city but I don't think anything will ever beat being in the comfort of my home. I don't even mean my physical home because my room is still barren which is weird but just being in the comfort, laughter and love of my family and friends. Being in a place that I can walk down the street and find memories or knowing that I'll walk in my door and be greeted by my sweet dog. Being home for nine days and the new year coming up (which by the way, I would like time to stop for me to catch up please and thank you) I've been thinking about a lot. First of all, this year is ending in ways I could neve...

I designed this blog to help people from back home stay with me as I venture into this new chapter of my life. For the most part, its been pretty open and honest about my thoughts here and how I'm adjusting. A lot of people have really reached out, responding to my posts with encouragement which I greatly appreciate. Recently though, a close friend of mine pointed out that she was interested in what my day looked like, which is always kind of funny to me because I don't really see my life as too interesting. I'm just like the couple other hundred dancers I follow on Instagram or the majority of my friends here but to others, they are blown away by the idea of my lifestyle or rather, my career. Remembering the goal of this blog and the request my friend had put in for viewing "a day in my life", I decided to spend a day, shall we say, documenting an average work day for Kayla. It's my hope that this post stays true to the open and honest theme I have started bu...