Confidently In The Direction

Ahh.  That's all that comes out of my mouth right now. "Ahh" as I sip my hot chocolate, "ahh" as I sit downstairs with my brother as he sings along to his music but most importantly, I say "ahh" because today is the end of 2016. I know a lot of people are claiming this has been the worst year yet. For some people it's because of an election that was country dividing, frustrating, scary, or whatever else it may have been for you (and that's where we will leave that, please and thank you). For others maybe it's the multitude of celebrity deaths or maybe it's just that personally, 2016 was hard for you. That's where I am. I can easily say, 2016 has been the most mentally exhausting, emotionally draining, single hardest year of my life. I'm not one to look at the negatives or dwell on the hard times without looking for the lessons but I leave this year knowing that both of those qualities were pushed to their very max...

Necessary. If I had to describe this summer in one word, that's the word I would choose. This summer was absolutely necessary for me, for my outlook on life and especially for me to make it through another year in Austin. That may sound depressing or scary but if you think about it, it makes sense. Last year was a big one for me. Straight out of high school, I took on a lot. Living on my own, cooking for myself, working two jobs, paying bills, all while trying to focus on my dance career.  I don't write that to complain, look for pity, hint for compliments or any such response. I knew what I chose to get myself into so I write that because for you to understand why this summer was necessary, you need to understand what my year looked like. While I learned, experience and grew so much from this past year I needed a break from literally trying to survive (hence, the ever famous #KaylaSurvivesOnHerOwn). So I came home and I got back to life in Carlisle. I took a vacation with...

May 15, 2016. I remember sitting back home last August and marking this day as "Last day in Austin" in my phone. I was so worried, how was I going to make in 9 months in Austin...alone? That would be the longest 9 months of my life. Here we are though. May 15th, 2016 and this season is coming to an end. I think part of me is still in denial because while this year was probably the most trying thing I've ever been through, it's probably been the most beautiful. In so many ways, I've grown. I've grown as a dancer, undoubtedly, I've grown as a person, I've grown as a daughter, I've grown as a sister, I've grown as a friend and most importantly, I've grown as a Christian. In all areas of my life I have grown. There were definitely points in this year where I just wanted to go back. Go back to Carlisle, Pennsylvania, back to high school, back to my friends and family and the life I've always known but I'm so glad I didn't or rather...

"You are not enough. Honestly, how could you be? You're not enough to get an offer from any other company, you're not enough to be promoted, even after 13 years of nothing but hard work and a year of living on your own, and you are no where near deserving enough of the kind of love you desire. How could you ever think that you are enough?" That's been my thought process friends. For the last two months, that's where I've been. I know opening my first blog post after two months like that is harsh but I don't know how else to explain where my heart and mind has been. I promised to be honest and that, my dear reader, is an honest look at my heart lately. Maybe I should have started by saying, it's been a hard month. Lots of different things have happened, all adding weight to my shoulders, but I don't think you could fully understand the heaviness of where I've been if I had started otherwise. Truth is, I've been gone. Gone from bre...

I love clouds. I love how fascinating they are, how they can be a great paradox. Like clouds are so weightless but yet they can be so heavy, they're so far away but yet they can surround us, they add such beauty but yet can be so ugly. I love them yet I hate them just as much.  Now, I may have just confused you out of your mind so its probably important to note that I am comparing two separate clouds: physical clouds and a metaphorical cloud. See I love physical clouds. I love how unique every one is, how they can add such personality to the sky. I love how weightless they are yet how much weight they add when it comes to beauty. So why do I hate clouds? Let me tell you. I've been stuck in a cloud for probably three weeks now. It's not one of those "I'm on cloud nine" clouds, it's one of those "I hate what I see", "what if", tiring, doubt-filled, ever present, grey clouds. It's this constant weight that just surrounds me. I'm ...

I designed this blog to help people from back home stay with me as I venture into this new chapter of my life. For the most part, its been pretty open and honest about my thoughts here and how I'm adjusting. A lot of people have really reached out, responding to my posts with encouragement which I greatly appreciate. Recently though, a close friend of mine pointed out that she was interested in what my day looked like, which is always kind of funny to me because I don't really see my life as too interesting. I'm just like the couple other hundred dancers I follow on Instagram or the majority of my friends here but to others, they are blown away by the idea of my lifestyle or rather, my career. Remembering the goal of this blog and the request my friend had put in for viewing "a day in my life", I decided to spend a day, shall we say, documenting an average work day for Kayla. It's my hope that this post stays true to the open and honest theme I have started bu...

Let me describe two moments for you. My two moments of, what felt like, invincibility... You're standing backstage just moments before you preform the biggest role of your career so far. This role is one you've spent every year inspired by for the last twelve years. You've seen many other dancers perform it, usually the top dancers of the school, and yet here you are. This year you are the one wearing the pink tutu and holding a handcrafted wand. This year you are the Sugarplum Fairy. It's not something you ever dreamed of doing nor something you ever expected but here you are. The music swells, you make your entrance and suddenly all eyes are on you. You feel stunning, strong, and confident which is different because those things don't usually hit you like they did today, right now, while you are dancing. You look at the little angels smiling as you dance and you remember, that was you twelve years ago. You were the one of the girls with bright eyes and litt...