That Little Grey Weight

I love clouds. I love how fascinating they are, how they can be a great paradox. Like clouds are so weightless but yet they can be so heavy, they're so far away but yet they can surround us, they add such beauty but yet can be so ugly. I love them yet I hate them just as much.  Now, I may have just confused you out of your mind so its probably important to note that I am comparing two separate clouds: physical clouds and a metaphorical cloud. See I love physical clouds. I love how unique every one is, how they can add such personality to the sky. I love how weightless they are yet how much weight they add when it comes to beauty. So why do I hate clouds? Let me tell you.

I've been stuck in a cloud for probably three weeks now. It's not one of those "I'm on cloud nine" clouds, it's one of those "I hate what I see", "what if", tiring, doubt-filled, ever present, grey clouds. It's this constant weight that just surrounds me. I'm not sure how it sucked me up or what brought it on but it's here, loud and clear. 

I feel it most when I look at myself while dancing. Whenever I see myself, I don't see anything beautiful. I know that my friends reading this will try and give me encouraging words, which trust me I am so grateful for, but that doesn't necessarily mean I will believe it. I'm not writing this for a pity peal either because I am happy! I love Austin, I love my friends and family and I know God is doing amazing things in my life but as happy as I am, sometimes doubt just covers my heart and that's when my grey cloud comes back.

I know this post is not as cheery and bright as I usually try to be but its an honest, realistic look at my heart lately. Thankfully, this cloud is teaching me some things, as grey clouds usually do. First of all, I'm learning to re-evaluate my definition of success. I think part of the reason this grey cloud came upon me is because I lost sight of true success: living a life that fully glorifies God. Especially in this season, audition season, it's so easy for me to get wrapped up in my own desires that I forget God has a plan for me. It may not be what I want but it's exactly what I need. Whenever my grey cloud rains down hard on me, I'm learning to try and remember this. If I don't, there is no way I will get out of my grey cloud anytime soon. I'm also learning to constantly remind myself that I have value. I know this, I do, but sometimes I just get so caught up with what I see and how I compare that I forget. It's taken a lot for me to admit that because I usually describe myself as a confident person but sometimes my confidence takes a blow and I lose sight of my value. I hope anyone reading this, myself included, can take a moment and just remember that we, all of us, are cherished, valued and worthy children of God, our ever loving Father. No matter what we may be feeling, seeing or thinking, that will always ring true and I'm having to remind myself daily of that. Most importantly, I'm learning that we all go through seasons. We all have ups and downs and to feel this way is okay, as long as it doesn't consume me. Sometimes I beat myself up so hard because I walk through a rough patch. I almost feel like I should be able to control myself better so that doubt doesn't consume me but the more I try to control, the more I freak myself out. 

Finally accepting that I have been in a grey cloud, has helped it lift a little bit. I think I will constantly feel a "baby cloud" for these next couple of audition months but at least I'm learning how to work through it. If you're reading this and you have your own grey cloud, know I'm praying for you, for me, for us. I know it's exhausting but I can only hope that once I get through my cloud, I'll be free to see the sun, white clouds and all.