Confidently In The Direction

Eight months. That's how long the counseling process took me. It's also, ironically, the last time I published writing to this page. Eight whole months. My healing took almost the same amount of time it takes a new life to grow in a momma's womb. Part of me can't believe it. If I had known when I went into counseling that it would take that long for total healing, I don't know I would have continued. I was scared going in, that's for sure. What do I expect? What do I tell this stranger? How long do I continue to "willingly" dig into who I am and what built me and figure out what hurt me and why? These are some of the questions I thought. But at the same time, the other part of me can't believe it's only been eight months. Eight months of freedom, eight months of redemption, eight months of growth. Only eight months. I wanted to write on this blog several times because I seriously do love writing. I love how words are individual yet they...

Hello from California! That's right, we made it. On July 9th (at 6:00 am, might I add), we pulled into the driveway of our new house. We were exhausted from a TERRIBLE day of travel the day before (car broke down 3 times, stranded on the side of the highway twice, spent 3 hours in an auto shop, ended up leaving a car in Vegas, and driving through the night) but also from all the adventuring we had been doing for the two weeks prior. Honestly, even with our awful last day of travel, I think those two weeks may go into my most favorite memories jar. There's nothing better than two with weeks with your family, exploring all the beautiful places this country has to offer.  Anyway, I'm not going to spend a whole blog post just writing about the trip, even though I totally could, because truth is, after my last post I've been kind of silent on my blog. I'm noticing there's a (not so great) pattern with that. It seems after some of my harder posts to share, it take...

Sigh. That's how this blog post literally started for me. I turned off my music, sighed and started typing. I know that seems silly because hello I'm the author of this blog, I can write whatever I want, so why write something I have to "sigh" about? Well, part of me really wants to write this blog post. I've known since the beginning of April that this post was coming, I just didn't necessarily know when I would be able to write it. I didn't know because honestly, this one is a scary one for me. It's scary because, well, I'm going to be reallyyy vulnerable, reallyyy honest, and reallyyy trusting.  You see, I have flaws (shocker, right? ;) ). But seriously, I have many flaws. One of them is something I've been working on since high school, maybe even middle school. I care a lot, I mean a lot  about what others think of me. Part of me thinks it's good sometimes, I value community, being held accountable and people speaking into my life  ...

I remember "I don't know" was never an acceptable answer in school. It implied you weren't trying, didn't try hard enough or you gave up too soon. I remember thinking "I don't know" was just a huge embarrassment...how could you not know?  A big part of me understands that thought was from pressure I put on myself but there's also a little bit of me that wishes that wasn't something I was set up to believe to be true.  It may seem like that thought is coming out of nowhere (like hello? my last post was December 2016 for crying out loud!!) but lately I've been stuck in this feeling of I don't know . I've said it before , I'm a huge fan of words. The weight words carry, the vulnerability in discussion a can hold and how certain words can be life-changing. I'm also someone who has seldom felt a loss for words. I mean of course there are a few specific occasions that do come to mind; I am an emotional person. Even so, if I...

Ahh.  That's all that comes out of my mouth right now. "Ahh" as I sip my hot chocolate, "ahh" as I sit downstairs with my brother as he sings along to his music but most importantly, I say "ahh" because today is the end of 2016. I know a lot of people are claiming this has been the worst year yet. For some people it's because of an election that was country dividing, frustrating, scary, or whatever else it may have been for you (and that's where we will leave that, please and thank you). For others maybe it's the multitude of celebrity deaths or maybe it's just that personally, 2016 was hard for you. That's where I am. I can easily say, 2016 has been the most mentally exhausting, emotionally draining, single hardest year of my life. I'm not one to look at the negatives or dwell on the hard times without looking for the lessons but I leave this year knowing that both of those qualities were pushed to their very max...

In case you missed the memo: I'm baaaack!!! That's right, I'm home. I'm not going to lie, it was weird at first. In many ways it felt like I never left but in other ways, I felt like a stranger. That being said, being a stranger quickly faded. I mean this is my home! So much of who I am stemmed from all that I encountered, learned and experienced here. Carlisle is my home. Carlisle will always be my home. Since being back, a lot has happened. For starters, I launched my "Alumni of the Year" campaign for CPYB. This was a huge step of "just going for it" for me. Usually, I like to plan out exactly how everything will work but this has been different. I've had to go into this campaign without any expectation and hope to make a difference. I still have 5 weeks left and a lot of money to raise but I'm proud of myself for simply giving it a shot.  About two weeks after being home my family took a vacation. Usually we vacation in August but beca...

Dear Kayla, I'm writing this letter because I hope you always remember today, your last day of being 18. What a glorious day it was, filled with love, friends and a reminder of one of the most beautiful sounds in life: laughter. Although it marked tomorrow being your first birthday away from home, it was a simple reminder of how you have been so graciously blessed moving down to Austin, Texas. This year has brought a lot of growth between the highs and the lows. Highs like: getting your license, graduating high school, getting a trainee position at Ballet Austin, dancing in your first professional Nutcracker and of course, meeting all sorts of new, beautiful people. It also brought lows like: experiencing heartbreak, change in friendships, learning how to do life without your family all around the same table but through it all, life was still beautiful. A beautiful hike filled with God's never ending grace and mercy covering every mountain and every valley. I'm not su...

I love clouds. I love how fascinating they are, how they can be a great paradox. Like clouds are so weightless but yet they can be so heavy, they're so far away but yet they can surround us, they add such beauty but yet can be so ugly. I love them yet I hate them just as much.  Now, I may have just confused you out of your mind so its probably important to note that I am comparing two separate clouds: physical clouds and a metaphorical cloud. See I love physical clouds. I love how unique every one is, how they can add such personality to the sky. I love how weightless they are yet how much weight they add when it comes to beauty. So why do I hate clouds? Let me tell you. I've been stuck in a cloud for probably three weeks now. It's not one of those "I'm on cloud nine" clouds, it's one of those "I hate what I see", "what if", tiring, doubt-filled, ever present, grey clouds. It's this constant weight that just surrounds me. I'm ...

If you follow me on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook you've seen my recent pictures series, #KaylaCountsTilChristmas2015, and probably concluded that I was getting pretty impatient to get home. If you came to that conclusion, you would be 100% correct. Don't get me wrong, I love being independent. I love grocery shopping, planning my schedule and figuring out myself in a new city but I don't think anything will ever beat being in the comfort of my home. I don't even mean my physical home because my room is still barren which is weird but just being in the comfort, laughter and love of my family and friends. Being in a place that I can walk down the street and find memories or knowing that I'll walk in my door and be greeted by my sweet dog. Being home for nine days and the new year coming up (which by the way, I would like time to stop for me to catch up please and thank you) I've been thinking about a lot. First of all, this year is ending in ways I could neve...

It's crazy how things change from year to year. That's been a huge, eye opening element for me this year. I mean this time last year, I was so happy. Thanksgiving, after all, is my favorite holiday and this holiday is always guaranteed to bring some of my most treasured memories. Usually I would be spending the night before Thanksgiving with my cousin, preparing for a huge family meal the next day that would be sure to be filled with lots of love and laughter. On top of all that, this week provided the perfect little breather right before Nutcracker kicked into full swing. This year though I'm okay. I mean I'm sitting in  my apartment alone, tending to my sore muscles because Nutcracker is already in full swing and honestly, there is a part of wishing I could be anywhere but here. Of course, this holiday always brings the constant reflection of thankfulness and for a while that was hard for me to grasp this time around. I think back to August when I learned I wouldn...

Let me start by simply saying the obvious: it's been a while. It's been awhile because honestly, my brain has been all over the place recently. I mean this physically with work, ballet, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, etc (when did I become so lame???) but also mentally. I've had so many different thoughts lately and for a while I thought they didn't have a connection but sitting here and actually processing, I've realized they are all connected to one thing: Home.  The first place that my brain has been in is Pennsylvania, for the sole reason of missing it. I'm not sure if I'm missing home more than usual right now because fall, my favorite season, doesn't exist here or because it's been a month and a half since I've had a good mom hug. Probably a little bit of both. Anyway, more often than not I find myself imagining how amazing it's going to feel December 23rd (or 24th....Dad and I are still discussing traveling dates. You can guess ...

This week was a roller coaster and I'll be honest, I saw more downs that ups but looking back, even with my downs, I am thankful.  Let me start by saying, ballet started this  past Tuesday and I am overjoyed. Gone are the long mornings of waiting around, struggling to find things to do in my new city, instead I am doing what I love. I am back in the studio, learning, discovering, growing and most of all happy. This was the first "up" in my week this week and I plan to describe my classes more in a future blog post so stay tuned! After classes on Tuesday I had an interview or a job at Anthropologie. Some of my readers may or may not know that getting a job has been my biggest stress lately so this interview carried a lot of weight for me.  It went well and I was confident especially when I learned I was called back for a second interview on Thursday. But...Thursday was my breaking point. Between the soreness of my body, the mixed emotions of what this year coul...

"Here goes nothing."  That's been my motto for the last three or four days. Leaving home on Wednesday was bittersweet, mostly bitter but still bittersweet. I packed up everything in my room, except a little vanity that holds some picture frames I couldn't fit and I said goodbye to my family. Saying goodbye to my family was excruciatingly hard, especially because the longest I've ever had to say goodbye for was six weeks. First I said goodbye to my three younger brothers. It is hard for me to know that I will be missing a huge year in their lives. For Tyler and Thomas this year, junior year, will probably be their hardest year yet and I wish I could be there. I wish I could be there to offer advice, wisdom and tips to help them survive this year because I've been there, I've had the similar classes and I know how this year will be trying. For Coby this year, freshman year, is a huge year of change and I wish I could watch all he becomes but I can't...