Broken & Thankful

This week was a roller coaster and I'll be honest, I saw more downs that ups but looking back, even with my downs, I am thankful. 

Let me start by saying, ballet started this  past Tuesday and I am overjoyed. Gone are the long mornings of waiting around, struggling to find things to do in my new city, instead I am doing what I love. I am back in the studio, learning, discovering, growing and most of all happy. This was the first "up" in my week this week and I plan to describe my classes more in a future blog post so stay tuned!

After classes on Tuesday I had an interview or a job at Anthropologie. Some of my readers may or may not know that getting a job has been my biggest stress lately so this interview carried a lot of weight for me.  It went well and I was confident especially when I learned I was called back for a second interview on Thursday.

But...Thursday was my breaking point. Between the soreness of my body, the mixed emotions of what this year could hold and the stress of wanting a job, I really began beating myself up. Classes went well on Thursday but I was mainly focusing on one thing: my second interview.

My second interview wasn't anything like I expected. This was the style portion of the interview, meaning that I had to describe my style, the style of the store then I was given a scenario and had 5 minutes to pick out an outfit. This was high stress for me because when I shop, plan an outfit or think about clothing,  I like to take my time and weigh all the options especially when I'm picking something out for someone else, like in this scenario. After presenting my outfit to the interviewers and the others in the group presented theirs, we concluded the interview and I left with no confidence. I was stuck on comparing what I picked out to what everyone else picked out and I felt defeated, broken and even more stressed because suddenly doubt just took over my mind. With all this stress and doubt I realized one thing: I missed home now more than ever. As much as I love being independent and figuring out things on my own, I miss the comfort, safety and love that I always felt when I was home. I missed my mom giving me a hug and reminding me that everything will be okay and then making me laugh with some weird thing she does or says, I missed the reality check that my dad would give me, the "Kayla you just need to breath" realness he has, and I just really missed curling up in my own room and processing, thinking out loud (sorry for getting that song in your head), and praying. 

All these emotions carried into Friday. After finishing my classes, I was waiting at Ballet Austin for an interview about being a ballerina that I was to do for a online children's magazine. As I was reading my book, I realized a big reason for my stress: a lack of trust in God. In that moment, I pulled out my journal, tears streaming down my face and wrote:

 "Lord, I am crying out to you. I know you know my heart and all I am feeling but I just feel so hopeless. Nothing seems to be going how I planned and I am so worried I won't make it in Texas. I am worried I will fail. I am relying on your strength because I have none of my own. I am only at week 3 and I have hit my breaking point. I'm scared of the unknowns this year and Lord, I beg for comfort in you and a sense of peace. Remind me that your plans are better than my own and help me to trust you. I know I have doubted your goodness. I know you don't want me to struggle because I am your precious child so please help me to rely on you. Your weary child, Kayla." 

As soon as I closed my journal I checked my phone and there was a missed call. I returned the call and it was Anthropologie. I was hired. Let me repeat, I was hired. Isn't that amazing? I had just finished asking God to give me strength and then he blesses me with quieting my biggest stress! I still get chills typing that, 3 days later. That's why I see this week with more ups because yes, I felt hopeless half way through this week but that won't be the last time I feel that way. In fact, I expect a lot more of those moments in the upcoming months but at least now I am reminded. I am reminded that when I am weak, he is strong, when I am broken, he is healing, when I am lost, he is hope and when I am lonely, he is comfort. My God is for me friends, and this week I am thankful.