I Don't Know

I remember "I don't know" was never an acceptable answer in school. It implied you weren't trying, didn't try hard enough or you gave up too soon. I remember thinking "I don't know" was just a huge embarrassment...how could you not know?  A big part of me understands that thought was from pressure I put on myself but there's also a little bit of me that wishes that wasn't something I was set up to believe to be true. 

It may seem like that thought is coming out of nowhere (like hello? my last post was December 2016 for crying out loud!!) but lately I've been stuck in this feeling of I don't know. I've said it before, I'm a huge fan of words. The weight words carry, the vulnerability in discussion a can hold and how certain words can be life-changing. I'm also someone who has seldom felt a loss for words. I mean of course there are a few specific occasions that do come to mind; I am an emotional person. Even so, if I'm not talking many words, I am most definitely thinking or processing them. Over the last three months though, I can honestly say I've been at a loss for words. Words that I could publicly share like this. Even though I'm usually an open and honest person, these last few months I've had more honest with myself that I don't know. Let me explain.

I'm a big dreamer. I have so many different dreams: to be a professional dancer, one that is strong, unique, and draws attention in her decisions both on and off stage, to be a devoted wife and a loving mother whenever that my be, to graduate from college (ya girl can only dance for so long), to write a book (a new dream), to travel out of the country, to show someone the beauty of Christ, to possibly own a business, the list goes on. I'm also passionate. I love life and I love living every part of it to the fullest.  All that to say, I've realized when both of those aren't qualities aren't being pushed, I feel stuck. This year has s t r e t c h e d me so hard that I've begun to question a lot. Some good questions, some bad questions. Some days I feel like I'm exactly where I need to be but most days I don't know. 

It's hard for me to sit here and write that my heart is in a place where I don't know what I want next. I have all these dreams and some of them are starting to carry more weight than I realized they had. I've mentioned in a previous post that I prayed this year that God would create in me a new heart and over the last few months, He has been revealing to me just how broken I am and just how desperate I am for Him. Part of me feels like He's calling me to just run to Him and rest in Him and part of me feels like He's sending me to be a light for Him but I don't know. 

I'm reading a book right now, "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp, and it is so amazing. I've never really had a book (that's not the Bible, of course), be like balm to my soul but this one in so many ways does that for me. Anyway, one of the things that she wrote and I've been dwelling on is: Christ was sent to us to be broken, and if we are made in the image of God, maybe we were made to be broken too? Right now, my brokenness is stemming from I don't know but if I'm made in the image of Christ to be broken, maybe that brokenness of I don't know is acceptable, maybe it is okay. She also says: "In Christ--no matter the way, the storm, the story--we always know the outcome. Our Savior-- surrounds. Our future--secure. Our joy--certain." Which brings me peace. I've always wanted to live a life that most glorifies God. If that means living in the "brokenness" of I don't know for a little bit, letting the weight of my dreams change for the moment, waiting on the clarity of His next move for me, then I will surrender. Surrender to the peace that my joy is certain because of Him. 

Jon Bellion has this song called "Maybe IDK". I first heard it last year when a friend shared it with me and while I liked it then, I've found myself really listening to it these last few days. The chorus goes like this: 

Although I guess if I knew tomorrow

I guess I wouldn't need faith

I guess if I never fell, I guess I wouldn't need grace

I guess if I knew His plans, I guess He wouldn't be God

So maybe I don't know, maybe I don't know

Maybe I don't know, maybe I don't know

But maybe that's okay

Maybe that's okay, maybe that's okay

Maybe I don't know, maybe I don't know

But maybe that's okay

I'm not sure how devoted of a believer Jon Bellion is and  I don't really need to because to me this song speaks truth. I don't know God's exact plan for me right now, and that's okay. I don't know what beauty will come out of my current "brokenness", and that's okay. Right now I don't know, and I'm learning that's okay. 

For your viewing pleasure if you desire:

Maybe IDK- Jon Bellion 

The Broken Way - Ann Voskamp