Sigh.
That's how this blog post literally started for me. I turned off my music, sighed and started typing. I know that seems silly because hello I'm the author of this blog, I can write whatever I want, so why write something I have to "sigh" about? Well, part of me really wants to write this blog post. I've known since the beginning of April that this post was coming, I just didn't necessarily know when I would be able to write it. I didn't know because honestly, this one is a scary one for me. It's scary because, well, I'm going to be reallyyy vulnerable, reallyyy honest, and reallyyy trusting.
You see, I have flaws (shocker, right? ;) ). But seriously, I have many flaws. One of them is something I've been working on since high school, maybe even middle school. I care a lot, I mean a lot about what others think of me. Part of me thinks it's good sometimes, I value community, being held accountable and people speaking into my life but other times, it can be debilitating. Debilitating because I want so badly to not let others down that it's hard to be honest with myself about myself. That's where the vulnerability, honesty and trust comes in for this blog post.
The reality is that life is going to be changing a lot for me this next year. From where home will be now to how I'm trusting God with my dreams, none of it's how I pictured at the beginning of this season. While I want to be honest with those who love and support me, it's taken me a lot of processing, some emotional breakdowns and time to have to the courage to share with the public all because of my flaw of caring what others think.
I suppose that sets me up to stop beating around the bush and get to the point, so here goes. At the beginning of this season, I remember saying to my dad "after all the hurt and disappointment I went throughout last season, I'm not sure I could make it through this season and not get a contract dancing somewhere. I think that would absolutely crush me." And folks, that happened. I auditioned for 11 different places and sent a video to about 9 or 10 others and I didn't get a single positive response from any of them. I was also not promoted here at Ballet Austin. The crazy thing is, I don't know if I was necessarily crushed like I was anticipating. I mean don't get me wrong, the emotional breakdowns came because I've worked 14 years for this and suddenly it won't be my reality, but all in all I know that right now not having a contract isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I've mentioned before that this season has been, without a doubt, the hardest season of my life. Battling with comparison and confidence, and not feeling fulfilled by the performance opportunities every dancer longs for, I quickly lost sight of why I love to dance. This breaks my heart. I still have a dream to be a professional dancer but it's hard to imagine yourself being successful when all you can see is the brokenness of the dance world. I think God blessing me with this heart breaking year (very ironic, I know) has reminded me that ultimately, I can trust him with my dreams. I wasn't crushed because I have learned to let go and remember that He is in control and His good plan for my future will satisfy me, even though it's different than I've imagined.
That leads me to the true point of this post: my plans for next year. I've decided to move to Elk Grove, CA with my family. With no contract in Austin, I don't really have a reason to stay here. I love this city and my job at Anthropologie but I think one of the things I need most right now is personal healing. Personal healing where I can be surrounded by those who love me most, meet new people who can invest in me, and embrace a new reality. I hope to start my college degree at a local community college there (lol at being a freshman with my two younger brothers), work, maybe teach ballet, and keep dancing to be able to audition next season. I don't necessarily think my dance career is over. I'm not one to just give up, but I do know that I need to fully love myself before I can invest any more time into a career of this kind in a career field that is so mentally, physically and emotionally taxing. See, I aspire to be a dancer that doesn't just inspire on stage but also all throughout life, and right now I'm not at a place to completely do that in a way that will glorify God.
But, you see, that last paragraph is why this post has been so hard for me to imagine writing these last couple weeks. I know people will read it, maybe respond, and probably have opinions. I don't want to let the teachers who have spent years investing in me down, I don't want to let the people who didn't think I could make it feel like they were right, and most of all, I don't want to look like a failure. Processing this post has forced me to swallow my pride, my fears of looking like failure to others, and relying on the only truth I know right now: that because I have God, I am more valuable than what others think, I am more worthy than I may feel in this new season, and most of all, I am FREE. I am free from the weight of failure, I am free from the guilt of "not being good enough" and I am free to hope on the beautiful future that my Father promises me. In my new reality I will rest in that and I hope that you will be inspired to be too.
That's how this blog post literally started for me. I turned off my music, sighed and started typing. I know that seems silly because hello I'm the author of this blog, I can write whatever I want, so why write something I have to "sigh" about? Well, part of me really wants to write this blog post. I've known since the beginning of April that this post was coming, I just didn't necessarily know when I would be able to write it. I didn't know because honestly, this one is a scary one for me. It's scary because, well, I'm going to be reallyyy vulnerable, reallyyy honest, and reallyyy trusting.
You see, I have flaws (shocker, right? ;) ). But seriously, I have many flaws. One of them is something I've been working on since high school, maybe even middle school. I care a lot, I mean a lot about what others think of me. Part of me thinks it's good sometimes, I value community, being held accountable and people speaking into my life but other times, it can be debilitating. Debilitating because I want so badly to not let others down that it's hard to be honest with myself about myself. That's where the vulnerability, honesty and trust comes in for this blog post.
The reality is that life is going to be changing a lot for me this next year. From where home will be now to how I'm trusting God with my dreams, none of it's how I pictured at the beginning of this season. While I want to be honest with those who love and support me, it's taken me a lot of processing, some emotional breakdowns and time to have to the courage to share with the public all because of my flaw of caring what others think.
I suppose that sets me up to stop beating around the bush and get to the point, so here goes. At the beginning of this season, I remember saying to my dad "after all the hurt and disappointment I went throughout last season, I'm not sure I could make it through this season and not get a contract dancing somewhere. I think that would absolutely crush me." And folks, that happened. I auditioned for 11 different places and sent a video to about 9 or 10 others and I didn't get a single positive response from any of them. I was also not promoted here at Ballet Austin. The crazy thing is, I don't know if I was necessarily crushed like I was anticipating. I mean don't get me wrong, the emotional breakdowns came because I've worked 14 years for this and suddenly it won't be my reality, but all in all I know that right now not having a contract isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I've mentioned before that this season has been, without a doubt, the hardest season of my life. Battling with comparison and confidence, and not feeling fulfilled by the performance opportunities every dancer longs for, I quickly lost sight of why I love to dance. This breaks my heart. I still have a dream to be a professional dancer but it's hard to imagine yourself being successful when all you can see is the brokenness of the dance world. I think God blessing me with this heart breaking year (very ironic, I know) has reminded me that ultimately, I can trust him with my dreams. I wasn't crushed because I have learned to let go and remember that He is in control and His good plan for my future will satisfy me, even though it's different than I've imagined.
That leads me to the true point of this post: my plans for next year. I've decided to move to Elk Grove, CA with my family. With no contract in Austin, I don't really have a reason to stay here. I love this city and my job at Anthropologie but I think one of the things I need most right now is personal healing. Personal healing where I can be surrounded by those who love me most, meet new people who can invest in me, and embrace a new reality. I hope to start my college degree at a local community college there (lol at being a freshman with my two younger brothers), work, maybe teach ballet, and keep dancing to be able to audition next season. I don't necessarily think my dance career is over. I'm not one to just give up, but I do know that I need to fully love myself before I can invest any more time into a career of this kind in a career field that is so mentally, physically and emotionally taxing. See, I aspire to be a dancer that doesn't just inspire on stage but also all throughout life, and right now I'm not at a place to completely do that in a way that will glorify God.
But, you see, that last paragraph is why this post has been so hard for me to imagine writing these last couple weeks. I know people will read it, maybe respond, and probably have opinions. I don't want to let the teachers who have spent years investing in me down, I don't want to let the people who didn't think I could make it feel like they were right, and most of all, I don't want to look like a failure. Processing this post has forced me to swallow my pride, my fears of looking like failure to others, and relying on the only truth I know right now: that because I have God, I am more valuable than what others think, I am more worthy than I may feel in this new season, and most of all, I am FREE. I am free from the weight of failure, I am free from the guilt of "not being good enough" and I am free to hope on the beautiful future that my Father promises me. In my new reality I will rest in that and I hope that you will be inspired to be too.
You are a daughter of the King. This is all part of His plan...stepping stones to where He wants to use you and your incredible gift of dance. Thanks for always sharing what's real in your life. ��
ReplyDeleteLove This! Praise God for the freedom you have gained. This post reminds me of two verses:
ReplyDeleteMatthew 10:32
Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.
AND
Romans 5:1-5
5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
God Bless!
Lillian
www.theoccupiedoptimist.com
Have you ever considered auditioning for a company like Ballet Magnificat? I feel like with your passions for dance, travel, and Jesus, it would be an option that incorperates all those things...
ReplyDeleteYou can always google them for more information or get in touch with me if you want some insight from someone who dances for them! ^_^
Lillian
www.theoccupiedoptimist.com
^_^