Anddddd two months later, one pinky surgery and a whole lotta life, here I am! Back to the blog, which by the way, I have so thoroughly missed. While yes, I do journal, write daily highs and lows and keep a list of what I'm grateful for, there's something to be said about writing out honest thoughts that people will actually read. Maybe it's the performer in me, or the lover of words or maybe it's just the honest heart I strive to have but I love writing and watching people respond. I love how sometimes just a short little post can relate to so many. It just reminds me how necessary community is and how grateful I am for mine, making for a very therapeutic and humbling use of my time. I will be honest though, I probably could have written this post a long time ago. I mean I had my pinky surgery two months and a day ago (October 5th) and yes, I was in a (very annoying) splint for six weeks after that but now it's been two months and I'm a bit nervous. Usually I have a general idea of how I want to start, where I kind of want to go and oddly enough, my last line. I think I owe that to my senior book writing two years ago (shout out to you, Mrs. Muir, if you're reading this). The last chapter of my senior book was focused on finishing with a killer last line and since then, I've been obsessed with the power a last line can have.
Anyway, here I am two months later and I have no idea where I want this post to go. I've tossed around some ideas on daily runs like do I want to talk about how the pinky surgery broke me, yet renewed me or maybe I want go sappy about how I miss my family and wish I could be home longer than a week at Christmas. There's always the option to just shoot out of a cannon and write some not-so-profound writing on patience or be as vulnerable as possible and write on how my confidence has been a constant struggle this year. As I sit here and write out those options though, I'm realizing how these last few months they have all been a part of my life and maybe instead of focusing on one, I should focus on all.
When I had my surgery (which I still feel weird saying...who gets two screws put in their pinky? Only me!) I honestly felt a far amount of peace getting the diagnosis, and leading up the surgery. I knew that God would provide, I mean He already had. I didn't break my foot, I have an awesome aunt who lives down here and offered to take care of me on the days of/after my surgery, I have amazing friends who were constantly thinking of me and I knew I would be okay. It wasn't until after the surgery that I felt broken, and not just literally. I quickly got tired of asking people for help because I like to be independent and don't want to burden others. I quickly wanted to be back dancing, even if I only had to take a week off, I quickly wanted to heal just so I could cut vegetables regularly. That's probably when I felt most "broken", when I couldn't fully be myself, but it was also probably when I was most renewed. You see, I learned so much through those weeks. I learned that I can still be independent and ask for help, I can still be productive even if I feel like I'm limited by having eight fingers instead of ten but most importantly (and most cliche), I learned that patience is so necessary and so worth it. I can't explain to you know free (and naked) I felt when I got that cast off. Sometimes I feel like I'm making a bigger deal out of my pinky then I need to be but I now I don't know if I am. Trust me, I realize how small a pinky is but it does affect your whole hand which in turn, affects your life even if it is only for six weeks.
After my pinky ordeal, I got back to my normal life routine when I was told a series of hard things in a pretty significant area of my life that completely crushed my confidence. Confidence is a weird thing. I've always considered myself to be a confident person, except for middle school. Middle school is always weird, but I definitely remember struggling with comparing myself to others and not being confident in who I was and who I was growing to be. As I got into high school, though, I quickly regained my confidence in who I was, what I believed, and what I wanted, and I've kept that pretty much through now. Maybe it's the fact that I want a dance career so badly or that I'm out of my sometimes out of my comfort zone down here but others words have been affecting me so greatly lately, even when sometimes their hurtful words shouldn't have any weight to me and my path. If I'm really honest, I've been struggling for that for a month or two now, so much so that it's sometimes hard to talk about my life down here because part of me is embarrassed. Embarrassed because life isn't going how I planned, or how I dreamt it being. I'm learning that's the beautiful thing in life though, that I don't have to control anything. While there's a part of me that would love to have everything in its list and on its schedule, there's a part of me that knows I would go crazy. so crazy.
I recently heard a podcast talking about how when we are broken, we can be used most for the kingdom of God. When we are weak and have to rely on His strength, we shine that much brighter for Him. I've been repeating those words a lot lately. Between the literal pinky break and the rebuilding of my confidence, I'm having to remind myself that being broken for a little, while it's not the most fun, it isn't necessary a bad thing. When I came back for my second year down here, I prayed a prayer that God would use this year to really show me who he is calling me to be, to renew my current heart and create a new heart that would continue to glorify him. I don't think I really realized the depth of the prayer I was praying there....but I do know, or rather hope, that it's coming true. That God is using this broken pinky, where all I wanted was to be home and healed but I had to learn patience, and this rebuilding of confidence, confidence in Him, myself and His beautiful work in my life, to heal, renew and create in me a new heart.
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