When I Wanted to Change the World

Simplee Dance. That was the title of my first blog. Hold up? First blog?? Yes, friends, I had a blog before "Confidently in the Direction". Simplee Dance "launched" when I was a freshman in high school and it had one goal: to change the lives of young girls. I mean it was going to be big. It was going to be so big that I didn't even share it with anyone (besides my loving parents and the friend who told me it was an epic idea) because I was convinced girls would stumble upon my rinky-dink blog and tell the world. I wrote about topics like boys, (sidenote: total mistake because up until sophomore year ya girl had never had a boyfriend and boys still made me nervous half way through eighth grade), speaking life, how this generation is different, and all these other big topics. Looking back, I admire pre-adulting Kayla's confidence but shake my head at what I thought I knew about changing the world when I barely even knew myself. And no, you can't go try to find that old blog....I deleted it, for both our sake, when I started this blog.

The point of that little story is that I've always wanted to be big enough, smart enough, cool enough to change the world. I have always wanted to be known for being different and inspiring someone. I've always wanted to be admired. I think most of that is great, aspiring to change the world in high school? Either I'm super mature or super weird-I'm going to go with weird but you can decide for yourselves. Looking back though, I wonder if that thought process actually kept me from "changing the world".

After we moved to California, I was blessed with an opportunity to be on a book launch team. Well, let me rephrase: I applied to be on a book launch team and was accepted, along with 1500 other women. Basically, I'm reading the book ahead of release day to see if I'm passionate about the message it's portraying and if I do become passionate about it, I get loud about the book. The book I'm reading ahead of release day is "Dance Stand Run: The God-Inspired Moves of a Women on Holy Ground" by Jess Connolly. Shameless plug: its good. I mean realllll  good. You should pre-order it at dancestandrun.com and if  you do, you get free gifts :) But anyway, this book has been pointing out so may characteristics and details of God and the good news of following Him that I've easily forgotten growing up in church. There's a quote in the book that's really had me thinking these last couple days. It says this: "When we sit quietly, get humble, look at our own hearts and repent, change, shift and head out into our day ready to live differently and allow the Lord to make small, daily transformations in our lives- the world gets changed." ....Hold the phone, what?!

It was probably a week ago now when one of my brothers called from college. This particular brother is so incredibly intuitive, he's such a great leader, talented beyond belief, and His heart beats so hard for Jesus. Now, I love all three of my brothers so stinking much. I would give my life for them, without a doubt, if I ever needed to but I was really blown away by this one during this conversation. He was talking to my dad about his hopes and dreams for this semester, how his friends are starting a bible study and how he is leading his friends in just the few short weeks of being there. I immediately thought: "Yeah, (insert his name here), he's the kind of guy that can change the world. He is the kinda guy that the world needs to hear. He is going to do some awesome things for the Kingdom of God." Now that might not sounds bad to you, but for me, it's when I let some small voice creep back in and say "He's so much better than you. You can't do half of what he can. He's got big dreams and Lord knows, he can make them happen. He's going to be seen and it's going to be good". And that, my friends, is a big, fat case of straight up jealousy. I was so jealous that one day he could be seen more that I ever could. Ouch..... that's hard to share publicly. So to that brother (he will know who he is), if you're even reading this, I truly apologize. You're awesome and I'm sorry my selfish thoughts took away from that.

I was listening to a podacast on a run the other day and it was talking about exactly that: being seen. How we all long to be seen by others that we forget our biggest audience is always seeing us.Not just watching us but always seeing us. He knows our hearts, our souls, when we're tired and when we're fired up. He knows us and sees us and that should be enough. I've always known I'm a people pleaser and want to be seen as successful but this just hit upside the head. Who cares if I'm seen? Who stinkin' cares if I'm successful or enough? I may never be and that's okay. That's okay because God is enough, he sees me and I'm successful because I'm his work of art. So combine this podcast with Jess Connolly's quote in "Dance Stand Run" and my mind has just been racing. What are my motives? Are they pure? What do these small shifts in my life look like? Can I actually even change the world? Do I even want to have that responsibility?

When I wanted to change the world, it was for the sole purpose of being known. Being known for giving my life-changing advice (yeah, right) and people would just want more. As I've been thinking more and more though, I've realized maybe that's been my whole reason for life decisions so far. In high school, I wanted to be "popular". Why? To be known as a cool kid.  My desire to be a professional dancer? To be known for how strong, how clean and how talented I am. Wanting to write a book one day?  To be known for how smart and capable I am. I could go on and on but you get the point. I've been realizing maybe changing the world because of me is the most unhelpful thing for this world. Maybe if I just got down to the nitty-gritty and admitted that me alone is never, ever going to change the world, that would be most helpful. What if I just decided to be honest? Not just vulnerable honest. What if I decided I'm going to be ugly, broken-hearted, I-messed-up honest? I'm going to repent when I'm in the wrong, not just cover it up. I'm going to be okay saying "I'm sorry" even when it hurts and pray to my good, good Father that his peace will comfort me. I'm going to honestly align my actions to agree with his holiness. What if I focus on my heart, lift my gaze to Jesus and keep my eyes from being haughty on the lives of others? Would that change the world?  I think it could. Not because I would be better or more worthy but because I wouldn't be changing the world. He would be changing the world through me. It wouldn't be a world full of Kayla changed people, it would be a world (or like 0.03% of the world) full of God- changed people through Kayla and honestly, I think that would be a much better place to be.