What This Year Has Taught Me

Ahh. 

That's all that comes out of my mouth right now. "Ahh" as I sip my hot chocolate, "ahh" as I sit downstairs with my brother as he sings along to his music but most importantly, I say "ahh" because today is the end of 2016.

I know a lot of people are claiming this has been the worst year yet. For some people it's because of an election that was country dividing, frustrating, scary, or whatever else it may have been for you (and that's where we will leave that, please and thank you). For others maybe it's the multitude of celebrity deaths or maybe it's just that personally, 2016 was hard for you. That's where I am.

I can easily say, 2016 has been the most mentally exhausting, emotionally draining, single hardest year of my life.

I'm not one to look at the negatives or dwell on the hard times without looking for the lessons but I leave this year knowing that both of those qualities were pushed to their very max and at times, even ignored this year.

I started this year extremely grateful for where God had carried me in life. I was living on my own, working for my dreams, making friends and ready for another year of adventure. As spring came though, I was easily knocked down with some hard words and opinions from important people in my life.  Words that to me, told me I wasn't good enough, that my body wasn't good enough, that ultimately, I was a disappointment. Those words eventually swallowed, although it was very hard, yet they were carried in the back of my mind as I went into this summer.

This summer was refreshing for me. My family and I had an amazing vacation, even though it was one that would change our reality. Then, I spent five weeks with seventeen sweet little ladies  and while it was one of the highlights of my summer, I didn't have much time to tend to the lies that were eating my soul. I took a month of August away from dance, since it was the cause of those lies, and while at the time I thought that month healed my heart, soul and mind, the fall would prove differently.

As I set back into life down in Austin, the one I had come to love, life started throwing hurdles, then hills, then mountains and slowly, I felt as if I was losing oxygen. Those words from the spring were repeated, which brought back the lies I had tried so hard to fight, my pinky was broken which to me sometimes reminded I wasn't invincible, something I try so hard to be. After that, Nutcracker casting came out and I had to fight the battle of proving myself, a battle that I've been fighting since I started ballet.  And finally, the  last dress rehearsal before opening night I was hit while jumping causing me to fall and strain my MCL. After trying to push through it, I had to decide to take myself out of Nutcracker (making it the second show I was not able to finish this year) so that I could properly heal. Hurdles, hills, mountains. That was my fall.

I sit here typing this fighting back tears because I know revisiting all those moments could reopen those wounds. I know there is a part of me that could look at all that and say what's the point? Which is a little bit scary because I've never felt like giving up but I did feel that a few times this year, especially the day before coming home when all I wanted was the relief of being home.

But, I also sit here typing this so proud. So unbelievably proud of myself. I've worked harder than I've ever worked this year. Harder to fight for relationships, with God, with friends, with family, with even myself. I've worked harder than I've ever worked at my craft because when people came at my body, I could only focus on the one thing that let me completely be myself, what I know I was created to do. I worked harder than I've ever worked to find the joy of leaning in God, even when at times that was extremely hard to do.  

I look back and instead of reopening wounds, I see lessons from scars. I see a girl who learned (and will continue to learn) to surrender control to the Lord, even when that means moving to a new state across the country or to let Him design how your dreams play out. I see a girl who learned to lean tighter to the truths of Jesus, that I am beautifully designed, created and perfectly loved, regardless of what people say. I see a girl who is reminded of the necessity of communication and honesty with those around her so that she can be supported and loved by those who love and support her. Most of all, I see a girl who has conquered another year of life and as she looks to the next there's an understanding that it may be difficult, it may bring change, it may require less of her and more of Him but I think that's the beautiful thing. She, well I, am never alone. This year, even when it felt like it, I never was, and next year, whatever may come, I never will be. I will be seen through the hurdles, cherished through the hills, persued through the mountains and come out on top. I'll come out on top because, no matter what, I'll be closer to God and who He is calling me to be. 

That's what this year has taught me and praise Him for that.