Braver

Hello from California! That's right, we made it. On July 9th (at 6:00 am, might I add), we pulled into the driveway of our new house. We were exhausted from a TERRIBLE day of travel the day before (car broke down 3 times, stranded on the side of the highway twice, spent 3 hours in an auto shop, ended up leaving a car in Vegas, and driving through the night) but also from all the adventuring we had been doing for the two weeks prior. Honestly, even with our awful last day of travel, I think those two weeks may go into my most favorite memories jar. There's nothing better than two with weeks with your family, exploring all the beautiful places this country has to offer. 

Anyway, I'm not going to spend a whole blog post just writing about the trip, even though I totally could, because truth is, after my last post I've been kind of silent on my blog. I'm noticing there's a (not so great) pattern with that. It seems after some of my harder posts to share, it takes me a while to write again which isn't necessarily bad but it isn't necessarily good, especially when the point of the blog is to share my heart.

So let me catch you up, dear reader. Since my last post , I have had so many different emotions. First, I was so encouraged. So many people spoke such uplifting and kind words to me which aided in my upcoming transitional phase. Then I moved pack to PA for 3 weeks or so and I have to admit, that was weird. Don't get me wrong, I love my hometown. I loved being with family and the friends I hold dearest to my heart but being there made me feel like all I had endured that year put me right back where I was, even though I know that's not true. I guess a better way to put it is I just felt like I was in this "waiting game". I didn't have time to get into a set routine, I didn't have time to put my roots back down again (even though I already had some there), and I had way too much time to think to the future and w o r r y. It's hard to be excited about a change when you can't see it or imagine it yet. And that, my reader, was oh so hard. It was hard to worry after I just felt so free. It was hard to remind myself that what's coming next is going to be great and fruitful. It was hard to not feel peace, especially when no one around you seems to either (and rightfully so, we were moving across country to a whole new place of unknown). 

Flash forward to today, when for the first time I realized something was different in my heart. I was listening to "Braver Still" by JJ Helller when I heard these lyrics:

I spent my whole life running

Trying to find a place to rest

Why did it take a wound like this

To let you hold me to your chest?

Now I can hear you breathe

You're singing over me

You're making me believe

In something better

Even if the dreams  I had turned into dust

There's no wreckage that's too broken to rebuild

The world is just as scary as I thought it was

But your love makes me braver still

Your love makes me braver...

And friends, that's my new anthem. It's my new anthem because it's so beyond true. It's taken me this week of new, unknown, and being present (because I have no other option) to realize this year I spent running. Running towards a new setting, different circumstances, more confidence (all of which have come true, different than I envisioned, but they all came true. God's funny like that....) that I didn't realize I needed to rest. But now I am resting and by no means do I mean that I'm spending this new season being lazy. I mean I am resting in the truth that God is making me brave. He's using this season of my life to slow me down and say "let me hold you, Kayla. Let me show you've all I created you to be."  

It's weird to say this but in just one week, I'm feeling more and more like myself again. I'm not saying I'm completely healed from the "wreckage" that I suffered through this year. I'm not saying that nothing is ever going to go wrong again or that I'm going to doubt again because after all, I am a sinner, but I am saying His love does make me braver. It makes me braver to trust in the fact that my life may not be what I planned or envisioned, and that's just as beautiful. It may not be similar to anyone around me, and that's just as beautiful. It may involve a season of rest and that's just as beautiful. His love makes me braver to graciously embrace this season of change and look for every opportunity to find God's goodness, sovereignty, and peace around me. His love makes me braver than I've ever been and for that I am thankful. 

For your listening pleasure:

JJ Heller's "Braver Still"