Confidently In The Direction

Ahh.  That's all that comes out of my mouth right now. "Ahh" as I sip my hot chocolate, "ahh" as I sit downstairs with my brother as he sings along to his music but most importantly, I say "ahh" because today is the end of 2016. I know a lot of people are claiming this has been the worst year yet. For some people it's because of an election that was country dividing, frustrating, scary, or whatever else it may have been for you (and that's where we will leave that, please and thank you). For others maybe it's the multitude of celebrity deaths or maybe it's just that personally, 2016 was hard for you. That's where I am. I can easily say, 2016 has been the most mentally exhausting, emotionally draining, single hardest year of my life. I'm not one to look at the negatives or dwell on the hard times without looking for the lessons but I leave this year knowing that both of those qualities were pushed to their very max

Anddddd two months later, one pinky surgery and a whole lotta life, here I am! Back to the blog, which by the way, I have so thoroughly missed. While yes, I do journal, write daily highs and lows and keep a list of what I'm grateful for, there's something to be said about writing out honest thoughts that people will actually read. Maybe it's the performer in me, or the lover of words or maybe it's just the honest heart I strive to have but I love writing and watching people respond. I love how sometimes just a short little post can relate to so many. It just reminds me how necessary community is and how grateful I am for mine, making for a very therapeutic and humbling use of my time. I will be honest though, I probably could have written this post a long time ago. I mean I had my pinky surgery two months and a day ago (October 5th) and yes, I was in a (very annoying) splint for six weeks after that but now it's been two months and I'm a bit nervous. Usually I h

We all know those quotes. The ones that talk about how life is all fine if you just look at the bigger picture. Quotes like: "find joy in your journey" or "after a storm, there's always a rainbow". You've heard them, seen them, maybe even said them (guilty: 13 year old facebook status' can really kill ya looking back) but can I just be real honest about all of those quotes? Those quotes, they make me want to gag.  You see, I can read those quotes over and over again, hoping to get something out of them that will want me to continue on my "journey" but all is see is just fluff. Nothing in those quotes are going to want to make me continue on my so called "journey", especially when it's hard.  I'm a lover of words. Words that carefully thought out, well delivered and truth speaking. Which in turn, makes me a lover of quotes. After all the title of this blog comes from my favorite quote. That being said, I'm a lover of qu

Necessary. If I had to describe this summer in one word, that's the word I would choose. This summer was absolutely necessary for me, for my outlook on life and especially for me to make it through another year in Austin. That may sound depressing or scary but if you think about it, it makes sense. Last year was a big one for me. Straight out of high school, I took on a lot. Living on my own, cooking for myself, working two jobs, paying bills, all while trying to focus on my dance career.  I don't write that to complain, look for pity, hint for compliments or any such response. I knew what I chose to get myself into so I write that because for you to understand why this summer was necessary, you need to understand what my year looked like. While I learned, experience and grew so much from this past year I needed a break from literally trying to survive (hence, the ever famous #KaylaSurvivesOnHerOwn). So I came home and I got back to life in Carlisle. I took a vacation with

17 girls, 5 weeks...sounds daunting.  Daunting because for five weeks, I am going to be in charge on seventeen freshman-aged girls.  That's how I felt 6 weeks ago, when I started by job as an RA for CPYB's summer program. I didn't know what to expect. What would each girl bring to our hall, what I would bring to our hall, am I qualified to handle seventeen girls, do I even remember what being fourteen was like? All these doubts ran through my head. I was nervous yet excited, to say the least. Once I met these girls, I quickly realized how extremely humbling it is to have seventeen little sweets run to you. Run to you when they miss home, when they need bugs killed, when they need a smile, when they have questions about life, when they need something to do or  when they need a friend. Suddenly, I was responsible for making sure these kids have the best five weeks of their life.  Let me tell you something though. As much as I hope our five weeks together impact

In case you missed the memo: I'm baaaack!!! That's right, I'm home. I'm not going to lie, it was weird at first. In many ways it felt like I never left but in other ways, I felt like a stranger. That being said, being a stranger quickly faded. I mean this is my home! So much of who I am stemmed from all that I encountered, learned and experienced here. Carlisle is my home. Carlisle will always be my home. Since being back, a lot has happened. For starters, I launched my "Alumni of the Year" campaign for CPYB. This was a huge step of "just going for it" for me. Usually, I like to plan out exactly how everything will work but this has been different. I've had to go into this campaign without any expectation and hope to make a difference. I still have 5 weeks left and a lot of money to raise but I'm proud of myself for simply giving it a shot.  About two weeks after being home my family took a vacation. Usually we vacation in August but beca

May 15, 2016. I remember sitting back home last August and marking this day as "Last day in Austin" in my phone. I was so worried, how was I going to make in 9 months in Austin...alone? That would be the longest 9 months of my life. Here we are though. May 15th, 2016 and this season is coming to an end. I think part of me is still in denial because while this year was probably the most trying thing I've ever been through, it's probably been the most beautiful. In so many ways, I've grown. I've grown as a dancer, undoubtedly, I've grown as a person, I've grown as a daughter, I've grown as a sister, I've grown as a friend and most importantly, I've grown as a Christian. In all areas of my life I have grown. There were definitely points in this year where I just wanted to go back. Go back to Carlisle, Pennsylvania, back to high school, back to my friends and family and the life I've always known but I'm so glad I didn't or rather

"You are not enough. Honestly, how could you be? You're not enough to get an offer from any other company, you're not enough to be promoted, even after 13 years of nothing but hard work and a year of living on your own, and you are no where near deserving enough of the kind of love you desire. How could you ever think that you are enough?" That's been my thought process friends. For the last two months, that's where I've been. I know opening my first blog post after two months like that is harsh but I don't know how else to explain where my heart and mind has been. I promised to be honest and that, my dear reader, is an honest look at my heart lately. Maybe I should have started by saying, it's been a hard month. Lots of different things have happened, all adding weight to my shoulders, but I don't think you could fully understand the heaviness of where I've been if I had started otherwise. Truth is, I've been gone. Gone from bre

Dear Kayla, I'm writing this letter because I hope you always remember today, your last day of being 18. What a glorious day it was, filled with love, friends and a reminder of one of the most beautiful sounds in life: laughter. Although it marked tomorrow being your first birthday away from home, it was a simple reminder of how you have been so graciously blessed moving down to Austin, Texas. This year has brought a lot of growth between the highs and the lows. Highs like: getting your license, graduating high school, getting a trainee position at Ballet Austin, dancing in your first professional Nutcracker and of course, meeting all sorts of new, beautiful people. It also brought lows like: experiencing heartbreak, change in friendships, learning how to do life without your family all around the same table but through it all, life was still beautiful. A beautiful hike filled with God's never ending grace and mercy covering every mountain and every valley. I'm not su

I love clouds. I love how fascinating they are, how they can be a great paradox. Like clouds are so weightless but yet they can be so heavy, they're so far away but yet they can surround us, they add such beauty but yet can be so ugly. I love them yet I hate them just as much.  Now, I may have just confused you out of your mind so its probably important to note that I am comparing two separate clouds: physical clouds and a metaphorical cloud. See I love physical clouds. I love how unique every one is, how they can add such personality to the sky. I love how weightless they are yet how much weight they add when it comes to beauty. So why do I hate clouds? Let me tell you. I've been stuck in a cloud for probably three weeks now. It's not one of those "I'm on cloud nine" clouds, it's one of those "I hate what I see", "what if", tiring, doubt-filled, ever present, grey clouds. It's this constant weight that just surrounds me. I'm

You know how I would describe my heart? Like a floodgate. A floodgate that, once opened, doesn't stop until everything is out on the table. Like when I feel joy, I feel it until tears fall down my face. When I feel pain, I feel it until all I know is pain. When I feel anxious, all I feel are anxious thoughts instantly flooding to my mind and when I love, I love to my fullest. Maybe that makes me sound like one big emotional goon, but regardless its true. Once I consciously open my heart, suddenly my hidden walls are bashed down and out flow my deepest thoughts, insecurities and realities that I normally just push to the side. Now you, my dear reader, could probably care less to know that but in order for you to process where my thoughts have been, that part of who I am is important to remember.  I've realized that as much as this blog is for keeping my friends and family up to date, it's also very much for myself. In some ways, this blog is becoming like a public journal